We've had our little nugget for two days now.
We still don't know what to call her.
We usually come up with a nick name and use that because we can't post actual names on social media, but this little girl's given name is not nick name friendly.
She is a tiny little 8 week old baby girl. She has been in the NICU for the last 8 weeks detoxing from some stuff.
She is a strong baby girl.
I titled this, "All The Feels Of Foster Care" because I really feel like I have had almost every feeling possible in the last two days.
I walked into the NICU with two nurses who wouldn't stop talking about how amazing this little girl was. They told me that they were going to cry when she left.
She was their mascot.
Everyone loved her.
The parade of people who came by to say goodbye to her was astonishing.
Even the janitor wanted to come say goodbye to her.
They kept looking at me.
That was my first feeling. I felt nervous. So much pressure!! What if I said the wrong thing? What if I didn't look nice enough?
That was my next feeling. These women and men were crying because she was leaving, and I was getting to take her home. As I held this precious baby in my arms and sang to her in the NICU room, I wondered if I was worthy enough to take care of her.
I had been picked. Our family had been chosen to take this little girl home. I could do this. (This is comical considering how little they actually know about you when they pick you, so my pride was very false)
Taylor was out in the lobby screaming her head off while our caseworker tried to calm her down. I was in this little NICU room (Where Taylor was not allowed) trying to give my utmost attention to the nurse who had cared for our little nugget for the last 8 weeks. How was I going to do this?!
Do you know how exhausting it is to be highly stressed out and on point while they read you everything you need to know about signs and symptoms? I could have taken a nap in that dimly lit NICU room.
I had to sit there for so long. Normally, they bring the baby to your house and leave. We had to wait two hours for the case worker and then I had to sit for at least another hour listening to the nurses and waiting for paperwork to be signed off on. Taylor was still in the other room screaming her head off, and sweet Kelsey, our caseworker, was patiently rocking her trying to calm her down.
We finally left the hospital and as the nurse walked with me to the car, I could feel the sweat dripping down my back. The stress of all of it was getting to me. What if my car wasn't nice enough? (But it's a minivan, so of course its nice enough:)) What if I took too long to get the stroller in the back seat? What if the nurse wouldn't let me take her.
What in the H - E - Double hockey sticks was I thinking? We have a six month old and an almost 5 year old. How was I going to do this?! At night, I knew John could do it with me, but during the day? What was I thinking? I shouldn't have done this.
I kept praying, "I can't do this God. Help me to do this. You have to do this. I can't do this. Please help me."
We got home and as I brought baby girl into the house, I had to leave Taylor on the porch for a second. Then, I changed baby girl and had to leave Taylor in her car seat. I started to feel sad for Taylor. What was she going to miss out on while I took care of baby girl? Would this affect my relationship with Taylor?
I texted my home group girls my above feelings and they immediately started praying and sending encouraging responses.
I put Taylor and baby girl on her rug and Taylor just burst into smiles at baby girl. She was so excited and started trying to grab her face.
It wasn't my natural instinct to pick her up and start doting on her. I had to make myself hold her, cuddle her and coo at her. I had to make myself pick her up instead of Taylor. I told her over and over again that I loved her, but it wasn't true. I didn't love her yet. I still don't love her, but I know that these are the things that she needs to hear.
I had to take Taylor for her six month shots today, and all of these people kept coming up to me and asking if I had twins. (idiots) When I told them that she was a foster baby, they kept asking me how I could handle it when the babies leave. They just couldn't imagine having to say goodbye. Pissed...
Tonight, as I was walking both babies in our side by side double stroller, baby girl and Taylor were peacefully looking around, and I had that twinge of love. I felt it for a second. I am starting to love her. I am starting that journey of bonding with a baby who is someone else's.
I don't want to fall in love with a baby that is going to be taken away from me. I don't want to start thinking the what ifs of her possibly ending up with us because I know my heart will be broken.
I am determined to love this baby girl. I am determined to love her like Jesus loves me every day. I am determined to put her above myself. I am determined to give her my best all while giving my bios my best also.
Lazy and Gluttonous
I skipped CrossFit for the last two nights...Im tired! I also just ate a lot of chocolate sheet cake while everyone else is sleeping.
I am grateful for friends and family who have gone above and beyond already. We have already had two meals delivered. We have been prayed for. We have been visited. We have been encouraged.
More than anything, I am grateful for a God who will mold me and shape me through this process. He will continue to grow me and I will come out on the other side a better person. I am so grateful that I can put my life and my family's life in His hands, and that I can trust him.
So, there you have it.
All the feels.
I left some out, but I have to get to bed before baby girl wakes up for a bottle!